Br-Oz-il Update

In Brazil things aren’t exactly backwards but they are backwards, parallel, diagonal, and all other ways around.

Things Backwards

• Trips to the Bank: Once again we come back to the issue of time in Brazil concerning the bank. When you make a trip to the bank, you better bring a sleeping bag and your footie pajamas because you will be waiting there for hours.

• Hardware Stores: So in the States, when you need to make a home improvement you could mosey on down to local hardware store, or The Home Depot and find pretty much anything where you will probably be helped by a bearded, rugged, mysterious employee resembling Al Borland from “Home Improvement” wearing what looks like a pocketed kitchen apron. Well, in Brazil hardware stores exist, but they are about as big as a matchbox. If you wanted to buy screws with differing sizes and lengths too bad so sad, because all they will give you are a handful of flat-head screws (who in their right mind uses flathead screws). Further, you are not able to rents tools; therefore your only option is to shell out some serious green to even buy a hammer on layaway. So if you need to use a chainsaw to sculpt an ice sculpture of a swan, or any other tool you might as well start investing in a ROTH IRA, or get involved with an insider-trading scheme.

• Washer and Dryers: In America you usually hear the words washer and dryer in the same sentence, well in the Land of the Brown this would be true if by dryer you meant clothespins and rooftop. Dryers here do exist (unless you are getting kickback government corruption money). So, hope and pray that the day you do your laundry there will be sun, and no rain.

• Infatuation with Corn: I will be the first person to say that I could eat corn on the cob everyday of my life (buttered and seasoned either cooked on the grill, boiled in water, or any other way to get that goodness in me). But in this foreign land, Brazilians have taken corn to a whole other level. There are corn-flavored popsicles, there is corn-flavored ice cream, and there is also some type of corn mash wrapped in the shuck of the corn (which is suppose to be a sugary treat like a Snickers bar, but it taste like eating corn flavored butter). Brazilians will even try to sell you corn in the dead heat of the summer on the beach, while you feel like a turkey roasting in the oven.

Things Diagonal

• Payment Plans: A common theme in this blog is the ludicrousness of the inflated price for imported goods in Brazil. Instead of increasing the manufacturing of these imported goods in Brazil, or lessoning the burden and taxes for companies to export goods to Brazil, this nation decided to solve this problem by intensifying the penalty for missed payments and bounced checks. A pair of real Nike running shoes could cost about $250 dollars at a shop in the mall, so in order to afford those sneaks the store allows you to pay for the shoes in 12 payments rather than all at once. In America, usually this is done with a car or a house not a pair of Reeboks. The kicker is that if you miss any of you payments or one of your checks bounce more than twice your life ends; you are unable to get a license, it is almost impossible to get a job, you basically became a leper.

• Lotteries: There are lotteries in Brazil (even some scratchers), but most people use the lotto to pay their utility, and other monthly bills. You could also pay your bills online, but the peculiar thing is that you can’t pay bills through the mail. So when the first of the month comes around you can either use the bank, the lotto, or the World Wide Web.

• Malls: In the previous blog post, I mentioned that there are well over 50 malls in Sao Paulo alone. Malls in America seem to serve multiple purposes such as a local where teens and pre-teens hang around the movie theater, or food court attempting to ascend to the top of the precarious social ladder in Middle School, at place for desperate shop-a-holics browse for items rather than buy them, at destination moochers get a full meal by simply trying the free samples at Panda Garden, Mandarin Express, or Cinnabun, or for all of mankind to fool with the wizardry of whatever newfangled gadgets are at the Apple Store which Steve Jobs is pushing on us like Tina Faye’s character in “Mean Girls.” When I make a trip to the mall it is either as a place of last resort, or I simply wanted to fool around in The Sharper Image or Brooks-Stone (either by setting up camp in an absurdly priced massage chair, playing with a real life replica of a light-saber, or trying to rationalize buying a wearable movie replica of a Storm Trooper) but in the Land of the Brown the mall is the Mecca of all life. Think of the mall as a well in biblical times, or the baths of the Roman Empire. Everyone and their mother (also their brother and evil stepsister) will be at the mall; they might be at the food court, getting a massage, or even playing in the amusement park bumper boat ride on the 1st floor of the mall, but the mantra that Ray Kinsella heard in the movie “Field of Dreams” rings true concerning the Brazilians and the mall “If you build it he (they) will come.”

• Parking: In Brazil, Professor Ken Elizanga’s lesson in Econ 101 that nothing is free (because there is always a marginal utility attached, or sacrifice made) comes to fruition with parking in Brazil. At the mall, the supermarket, restaurants, etc. parking always will cost you at least 2 to 6 or even more reais (real is the plural form, Brazilian money) although you can park on the street the marginal utility is that you might come back to find your on blocks, without a radio, even your last piece of gum that you left inside the center counsel might be stolen.

• School: In Sao Paulo, kids go to school for only 4 hours a day, but there are up to 3 different school sections. Since the schools are too big and have too many students, instead of building more schools Brazil decided to simply have 3 different sessions of school during the day. The school day starts at 7AM with one set of students, then at 11AM with another set of students, and then at 3PM with another set. In Brazil, extracurricular activities and sports don’t exist within the school system, so what remains is simply academic.

• Trucks: In the U.S of A, usually if you have a truck the bed is big enough to hold a load of firewood or something of that nature. In this peculiar country, full size trucks simply don’t exists unless you want to sell your organs on the black market. Trucks, here, have 2 to 3 foot beds that barely fit 6 cinder blocks.

• Propane Trucks instead of Ice Cream Trucks: Think back to your younger years of little league baseball, playgrounds at the park, or even summer days at the local watering hole (i.e. the pool with a high dive which haunts you the entire summer until you muster the courage to defeat this concrete diving board beast). When I recall these childhood memories, an affable, playful musical song of an Ice Cream Truck begins to ring in my ears. In Brazil, when you hear a melodious jingle resonating from the streets below the trade school, you will not find ninja turtle popsicles, or orange push pops from your youth but you will find a truck selling propane tanks. Ovens, stoves, and multiple other household devices run on stand-alone propane tanks. On a side note, last night Rachel and I discovered that the reason that her oven has not been working is because the previous renters of the house decided to take the propane tank that was use for the oven as a going away present.

Hoi! Tudo Bom?? (Hello! Tudo Bom/Tudo Bem, are used similar to what’s up, or living the good life)

Monday

Last night, I finally remembered to bring all the supplies from the trade school to fix my bed, even though Roberto did have to remind me as we were walking out. In order to fix the bed, I had to glue and hammer nails into the wood supports to attach 2 pieces of inch thick wood to the sides of the boards to make them longer. During the process, Roberto knocked on the door at about 12:30 telling them that my hammering was waking the neighbors. I apologized and breathed a sigh of relief for 2 reasons: 1) I had just finished the last piece and all I had left to do was reassemble the bed and attach a layer of duct tape (can anyone think of anything better? I submit that you cannot) to the ends of the boards to further strengthen my resolve, and 2) Usually in Brazil, the policy is call the police first then ask questions later. Neighbors will call the police on each other for the pettiest of things rather than simply using their own to feet and ringing a doorbell.

Tuesday-Wednesday

The next morning the temperature had dropped significantly and it was actually cold. Yes, it is currently winter in Brazil (although it is the tail end of winter), but cold in Brazil is basically anything below 70, which is ridiculous I know. So R&R, and I walked out the door (in light jackets because I am not even sure if they make any type of heavy jackets in Brazil) hopped in “Hummingbird” and made our way to the trade school.

The first class at 10AM is the bigger class of 30 younger kids, from ages 9 to 14. I am still trying to learn the kids in my classes’ names, but it is very difficult because it is hard for me to even pronounce some of their names (hip-hip-hooray for dyslexia). Some of the students names are Danide, Safria, Amanda (which is not pronounced the American way at all) Dayane, Tatiane, Elisangela and multiple others names whose pronunciation seems like trying to solve a rubric cube. Also, many of my students have the same name currently in both classes there are 3 guys named Lucas, 3 guys named Victor, 3 guys named Roberto, 4 girls named Rebecca, 3 Diana’s, 4 Tatiane’s or Tatiana’s, and more. Everyday I end up staring at one of my students like a deer in headlights searching all expanses of my mind for their name to no avail, so I have to ask them their name for the thousandth time. I started the class with the song “New Shoes” by Paolo Nutini because we were doing a lesson on different types of clothes. This class ended up being by far the most difficult, and frustrating class since being in Brazil. There are always more side conversations then I would like during class (some of the time the kids are explaining the lesson to each other, and other times they simple are chatting it up but me Pork-and-Cheese isn’t good enough at this time to tell the difference). The real frustrating thing was that the entire class was devoted to working on the vocabulary of clothes, yet even after we had done multiple fill in the blank exercises on the board most of the people that I brought up to the board had no clue what we were doing. I don’t know if they weren’t paying attention or just didn’t care that day. The hard part was I began to wonder if what I was teaching was not exciting, or was I not a good teacher, or did the students simply not care. But by today (Thursday) all my classes went great, and I am just going to chalk it up to an off day. Faulkner style!

Rachel and I had lunch at Roberto’s sisters house, Brazilian fried rice (leftovers), without Roberto because he got caught up working in the woodshop. The night before, we had gotten back to R&R’s house real late so Roberto decided to make Brazilian fried rice. Roberto’s does a countless number of things marvelously, but sorry to say cooking is not on that list. Rachel and I were sitting in the kitchen watching Roberto add eggs, rice, the leftover ribs from Outback, and peas with the fervor of a contestant on the game show “Iron Chef.” Roberto himself will honestly say that the kitchen is not his domain, even though Roberto claims he is not the best cook the Brazilian fried rice he made was delectable (even though Rachel did already prepare the rice, and slipped some soy sauce in the rice unbeknownst to Roberto). At lunch, Rachel put me at ease to the previous class and then I was on my way back to the trade school in great spirits for my next English class.

The next class was a lot easier I think because the students were older, or simply God was smiling on us. After that class I taught another class to 3 new students who had just joined, since we had decided to move the start time of the second class to 2:00PM. I decided to simply do a quick review of this and last weeks classes for these 3 new students, Micxiheal, Bruna, and Talani. I was basically getting a handle on the level of knowledge they had for the English language. After the students left, Rafael (pronounced Haf-fe-el almost all R’s are pronounced with a hard H in the Sao Paulo accent) and I played some games of ping pong where, sadly, I was defeated 2 to 5 on the field of battle. After that I did some work in the shop and in the office, we all headed back to the “Palace de Pena.” Rachel made chicken cacciatore which was real yummy, and we all sat around the kitchen table talking about discussing questions like why do Brazilians love American culture so much, business venture in Brazil, and other various topics.

Wednesday

It was equally as cold this morning as the last, but rain was to added to the mix. ☹ Due to this further depression in temperature, I had to forgo the Atlanta Braves hoodie and switch from missiles to guns and adorn the Arcteryx pullover. Yes I am talking about my clothing choice, deal with it. We got to the school a little earlier today so I could prepare further for the first class. I decided to change up the strategy for this class. I decided to pass out dictionaries to the 31 students that came this morning and began with the song “Everybody Needs Somebody” originally by Wilson Pickett but I played the version from the movie The Blues Brothers. Today’s lesson was on body parts so I wrote either English or Pork-and-cheese words on the board and then the students had to come up to the board and fill in the blanks. This method worked a lot better. I also, disciplined the class more than usual, pulling one of the girls to the very front of the class because I caught her passing notes (she was actually throwing paper balls of crumpled up messages across the room). After the class ended, I made her sweep the floors of the classroom then I told her I know she wasn’t the only one involved but she was the one I caught so if I caught her again I might send her home. That is actually a very big threat because class at the trade school is free, and other English classes in Sao Paulo are very expensive, so basically she would be throwing away a free gift, with no utility attached to it. Also, I heard today that one of my students Barbara, who is an average student, knows more English vocabulary and conversational skills than her friend who is paying for an English class. Apparently the girl paying for the other classes told Roberto at the trade school today while she was inquiring about taking classes their as well.

On my count Americano 1, Brazilian English Teacher 0. In the face!

After the first class, I answered some emails then headed with R&R to Roberto’s sisters house to have lunch, some of the chicken cacciatore from the night before. Before lunch, I turned on the TV, which is usually what I use to decompress at home (I guess that is what I am using this blog for), and I learned that if you were watching an English program if you set the audio to SAP it will be in English. So, happily, I got to enjoy the Disney program “Raven” although I never watched a minute of that shoe in the U.S., I did somewhat enjoys the mindlessness of the television. Is it weird to anyone else that our culture is completely content to watch other people do things while we sit on the couch like a mindless zombie. Technically we are watching other people pretending; it sort of reminds me of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, and even the wandering eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg. But, all that said, I do love good television, and I miss it.

Anyway, the next class was suppose to start at 2 but 3 students arrived early so I took them up to the computer lab and let them play games on the computers. One of the kids was playing a cool game similar to the classic Minesweeper but there was an astronaut doing the minesweeping. I decided to play the song “Love’s Divine” by Seal for this class, if any of y’all haven’t heard this song I am demanding that you buy it immediately, because it is simultaneously heart-breaking, exquisite, poignant, intense, and so much more. I had over 20 students in this class and we did the same thing as the first class but I added a lesson on irregular plurals that included when words end in a y add ies when they end in a o add es and stuff like that. After class I once again challenged Rafael to ping-pong and lost 1-2. I guess he has my number this week.

After that I did some work in the office Skyped my mom, dad, and sister. I just want to say Skype is literally the bomb dot com. I really don’t know how anything got done without the Internet, or further computers. When I am teaching class, it is so much easier to have my computer on the desk next to me opened to Google translation than waste class time trying to find the definition of a word a student says in the dictionary. I do try to only talk in English during class, and I ask my students to do the same, but I sometimes have to explain things using both English and Portuguese. Later, I downloaded the new Arcade Fire album which to be honest I am not too sure about it, but I really have hardly listened to it and with a belly full of chicken Parmesan, I went to bed!!

Thursday

Rachel and I woke up to another cold morning at the Palace, but this time it was actually in the 50’s. Roberto had already woken up at 5:00 AM and been picked up by his brother in law, because they were going with Roberto’s niece, to the U.S. Embassy to get a student visa for her because she is trying to go to college in Richmond. This is the second time that she has gone to the U.S. Embassy to get her visa, and the first time they told her she needed to return with more paperwork. Sad to say, she got the same response at the U.S. Embassy today. I told her in jest that I would write a letter to the U.S. Embassy saying, “I, Wilson Dean Oswald, am a American and I love America. She is not a terrorist, or a threat to national security so please give her a student visa so she can learn how to love America and freedom.”

Rachel and I hopped in “Hummingbird” a set out for the trade school. My English class today had about 30 students, and I decided since it was the end of the week I would let them listen to “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. Truthfully, I think this song is a really fun song, and is one of the best opening songs for any-band with a crowd that wants to shake their groove thang. Just the existence of the word “Mazel tov” in the song makes it respectable, hilarious, and fun. One of the phrases that we reviewed in the song was “raise the roof,” and I am 90% sure that they understood the meaning, but only after I raised my hands in the hand shouting “the roof the roof the roof is on fire,” and then in Pork-and-cheese “o telhando o telhando o telhando em fogo (but I was later told I should have said pagando fogo instead). Whoopsies! After we went over some more vocabulary, from the song, we worked on a lesson I prepared on the days of the week and words that are used in conjunction with them. The th sound is very hard for Brazilians to say because not many of their words use that sound, so I had to explain the pronunciation of Thursday multiple times. At the end of every class I make my students to put their papers away; then I quiz them on the vocabulary from the day’s class, vocabulary in the previous classes, and I even sometimes throw in other words that we didn’t get a chance to go over from the songs. I will either say the words in English, or Pork-and-Cheese then the class says back to me the word in the opposite language. One of my favorite parts of the day is watching one of my students named Mateus, who literally jumps out of his seat when he knows the word. This class he got so excited when I said “esta noite (pr. noich)” that while he was shouting “tonight” he almost fell off his desk and hit the floor.

After class, I challenged Roberto to a ping-pong duel. Roberto apparently is a good ping-pong player although he doesn’t admit it; Rafael who usually narrowly beats me told me that he almost always loses to Roberto. So I found it a little odd when I beat Roberto 2 games to none. After that I played Rafael, and he beat me 2 games to 1. I knew something fishy was going on so later I asked Roberto, and he admitted that he had, in part, let me win. So I am currently waiting for our rematch, hopefully he puts his best foot forward this time.

The second class today was a little smaller than the day before, only about 20 people, due to differing of school schedules on Thursday. We did the same lesson as the class before, but I decided to play Shikira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” at the ardent request of the kidos. They also really wanted to here Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga, but I refuse to play Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga’s lyrics are just down right offensive (although, if I were to be honest, I do enjoy rocking out to some of her songs). Tomorrow R&R and I are going to head into the city of Sao Paulo for the day, and on Saturday Jarrett, a American living and working in Sao Paulo, is coming to the school to teach more English classes, and we are going to have a fun day at the school.

Love, Grace, and Peace,
Oz

Additional helpful hint for talking Pork-and-Cheese in Brazil
• Use the word fala. The word falar which means to say/speak/talk/chat/and everything else under the moon. So when you come to Brazil simply use fala and everything will work out ok.
• Also just for fun, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lz0IT4Uk2xQ
o I would like to buy a hamburger.